When language isn’t ENOUGH

Y’all. The English language is incredibly limiting when it comes to describing the expansive nature of humanity. It is difficult for me, a human whose Mercury is in Sagittarius in the 12th house, to accept these limitations as fact. Perhaps this is why academia seemed appealing to me at first. In fact, I would say my entire life and career I have been in search of language that expresses the true complexities of living as a human being on this earth.

I began my career as an aspiring opera singer in my early twenties. I grew up in a household where expression of Self was not only discouraged, but was also punished more often than not. When I found singing as expression in the 9th grade it saved me. Seriously. It helped give me a way to communicate some of the pain and trauma I had experienced in a manner that was safe. And, the feeling…the actual feeling of my voice pouring out of my mouth felt at times like a cathartic inner cleansing. But, it wasn’t enough in my attempts to express myself because while the act of singing itself can allow for a Soul to bear all, the field of opera and classical singing was the paradoxical axis to that truth bearing.

I was not really allowed to evolve into my authenticity. The body and voice were a brand that I could never figure out how to tame in order to be hirable. So, I shifted to academia and the teaching of vocal expression to others. And, it worked…until it didn’t. I couldn’t find my footing in academic voice teaching because I didn’t want to teach the way I had been taught. I wanted a classroom in which both student and teacher were in dialogue. Me, the teacher, as a guide to the alchemic transmutation points of the student’s body. The student, as the holder of the key to their intimate physical and spiritual gnosis.

So, I pivoted again, and this time into musicology. Maybe, just maybe if I could find the language needed in the history of classical music to describe the fact that every human is their own teacher of all they needed to know…maybe I would feel I had enough language in my throat to speak all that I am. But, it wasn’t like that at all and I felt myself drowning once again in the fight to live my truth and speak the truths of humanity.

As an ensoulment doula I am finally experiencing the freedom of expression of Self, but I have noticed that language is still so limiting in my quest to describe the vastness of human identities. As a writer I use language to speak the stories of others. I collect words like jewels that I hold up to the light of the world and allow it to reflect down on others so that they might see how glorious we all are, every single one of us. But, I still stumble, fumble and mumble these words in my speech.

Perhaps it isn’t possible to speak of the glory of humanness, and maybe I need to allow space for that impossibility rest in my bones.