30 Days of Ritual
NOTE: This was originally published on my creative writing Substack June 2023
Hey y’all, it’s me, Samar. I want to come here and share something that happened to me recently, and to put out an invitation to walk with me for 30 days to create something I have yearned for.
Picture it: I am sitting cross-legged on my living room floor that’s covered with cracker dust. The lunar eclipse in Scorpio is looming. And, I look into the screen of my computer as a dear friend shuffles tarot cards for a reading (that is desperately needed, I might add). I asked Spirit to show me the areas of my life where I need to allow the vulture to come, clean the deteriorating meat off the bones, and allow for self transformation. Of course the cards have dragged me for filth which I always appreciate. The problem with me getting readings is that I am too self aware. I do a lot of mental self reflection daily. I have a Capricorn stellium that starts in my 12th house. I love a good ole fashioned dragging and I like to say I know myself and my shortcomings well. But, what I wasn’t expecting was for my friend, who is an incredibly gifted reader, to ask me a question that gutted me in a way I wasn’t prepared.
“So, what makes you happy?”
This is such a simple question, right? And, as a neurodivergent human, I have rehearsed the answer to this kind of question that is usually posed in small talk (that I abhor). The thing is, the question wasn’t posed in a small talk setting. It was asked in a place where I had already opened myself to Spirit to receive the answers I needed to grow to become the human I need to be to serve others. But, what came out of my mouth shocked the hell out of me, and it came with such rapid fire quickness that it startled me.
“Oh, I don’t care about me.”
I immediately laughed out loud. It was a bellowed cackle that flew howling out of my throat. And, then I covered my mouth in shock realizing what I said. I admitted that I don’t care about myself. This fact is one that was obviously lurking just beyond the recesses of my mind, but nothing that I had verbalized with such ease and…eagerness. I am a recovering perfectionist and I have done some great healing work in that area. I picked up self care techniques. I turn off notifications when I feel overwhelmed and cancel events that I don’t have the spoons to attend. My house is an overflowing to-do list of cleaning projects that I have surrendered to the truth that their “doneness” or lack thereof doesn’t determine my worth. But, I am still struggling with self-worth and the true practice of self care through ritual.
The truth is I am struggling, friends and I have been for a while since the birth of the pandemic to find my “routines” again. Like most, the sacred places in my home became intertwined and defiled as capitalist workspaces. Capitalism came into our homes in a way I wasn’t prepared for and quite honestly haven’t recovered from. Work and play and home and family have converged and it’s just a fucking mess, y’all. Even with my recent diagnosis of AuDHD, being medicated, and reading every possible self-help book, I can’t find my fucking way out. And, I am burned to the core of my being. What I didn’t understand is that I misunderstood what a ritual was vs. a routine and treated them as the same.
A ritual is something that is sacred and personal. It can be experienced communally (hi, churches and spiritual covens). But, it works best when you have rituals that are your own. Routines, on the other hand, are things that facilitate an easier way to get things done. It’s having a grocery list, or meal planning. It’s exercising everyday for your health. But a routine is not necessarily a ritual and all of my proposed rituals were actually just routines, and more importantly, they were designed to make the lives of others around me EASIER. My routines/rituals have been grounded in what’s been best for everyone else and almost always at my expense which is why they never lasted.
So, I am writing all of this to explain that I need your help. I need a group of people to hold me accountable as I work through 30 days to create habitual rituals for me and only me. I need people around me to remind me and call me out when I try to get by with shit that ain’t right. If you’re interested in joining me, could you think about subscribing? Maybe it’s a lot to ask? Maybe it’s not. But, I am putting it out in the ether because I am fucking tired, y’all. I need to be my best friend.
