When burnout creeps and kisses you in the mouth
NOTE: This post was originally posted on my creative writing Substack June 2023
Hey y’all.
It’s been a few days. Much longer than I wanted. But, I have to be honest. I am experiencing a bit of burnout. It has taken me days to try and write this post.
I gave a leave of absence for my PhD program.
Yes, I am close to being ABD. I have one Common Exam, the Qualifying Exam, and the submission of my prospectus and third term paper. But, I couldn’t find the thing that helps you push through to the other side. Every time I thought about gathering items to study for the Common Exam, I got hot and my chest got tight. I started dissociating. I wanted to cry. And while doing my morning pages I wrote that I didn’t think I wanted to be in academia anymore. Today at work I said it out loud and then burst into tears. There’s a lot that I have endured in this program, and one of them is that it almost ruined my marriage. I want to enjoy my summer with my family. I don’t want to “find thinking time.”1 I want to breathe.
I did not expect this to be an affect of my 30 Days of Ritual. Honestly, I expected the exact opposite. I foolishly thought that by taking the time to listen to my Self and body that somehow I would be able to manufacture the push through energy I needed. I feel embarrassed and ashamed. I know these emotions will pass as I grant myself the space to move through them. But, it’s hard to shake them in this very moment. Welcome to Cancer Season, amirite?
I honestly can’t believe I asked for rest.
A few days ago I couldn’t sleep and found myself up at 3:34AM. I picked up my iPad to read/work and felt the pressure of a hand on my right hand. I knew instantly that it was my maternal great grandmother, Mother Scruggs. She’s always looked out for me during trying moments of my life, giving me reminders that I was truly never alone. She died when I was four. I heard her say, “Rest now. You can’t be who you need to be if you’re always tired.” My eyes welled with tears. I knew she was right. I told her I was having a hard time sleeping. She reminded me that so many of the femmes in my ancestral line never rested and it was time for someone to start. I thanked her, wiped away my tears, and slipped back under my covers. I closed my eyes and woke up to the sun rising.
